miscarriage

Last updated: Thursday, October 16, 2014

(also known as a spontaneous abortion.)

I am sharing my story so that people can somewhat understand what it is like to go through the heartache of a miscarriage and then not be able to get pregnant on your own. Miscarriages are common but that does not mean they hurt any less.  I do know that for those of us who have a miscarriage and then can’t get pregnant again the heartbreak just continues.  I hope that I can comfort others with the knowledge that they are not alone and it’s ok to feel however you are feeling about your situation.

I am going to start from the beginning, the day I found out I was pregnant.

I will never forget the day I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test.  I had a feeling I was pregnant and I could not wait to find out.  I peed on the stick in a bathroom of a fast food restaurant.  I know crazy but I just couldn’t wait the 20 minutes it would take me to get home.  I was so nervous and excited to call my husband and tell him we were going to have a baby.  We were not trying but not trying to prevent it either.  He was just as excited as I was when I told him.

I went and had the blood test at the doctors.  We told everyone as soon as we got the confirmation.  This was a great time.

I have always felt like being a mom was what I was suppose to be.

The doctor wanted me to have an ultrasound to determine how far along I was.  I have never had regular periods so we really had no idea how far along I was.  The day I had the ultrasound I went to work.  At the time I was working a temporary job while I as trying to find a permanent teaching position.  I remember that day I was spotting a little.  I know people who have spotted for most of their pregnancy so I did not think too much about it.

At the hospital while the ultrasound tech was giving me the ultrasound I remember thinking that something was not right.  It was taking longer than I thought it should.  She just kept looking around, taking pictures and making notes.  While I have never done this before I still had a bad feeling.  She told me that she was going to have a doctor look at the results and get back with me.

I went back to work and not long after I got there I got a phone call that their should have been a heart beat but their was not.  This was the last thing I expected to hear when I woke up that morning.  After the way the ultrasound went I was not shocked but I was heartbroken. A miscarriage was not something I had ever thought of.

 

While in the elevator leaving work I called my husband.  He did not know what to say.  I know he was shocked.  He kept telling me that he was sorry and he did not know what to say or do.  I told him I did not want to call and tell anyone.  I am so glad he took over that job.  I don’t think I could have handled it.  I returned home and went to bed.  I would not wish a miscarriage on anyone.  You are in love with this baby that is growing inside you no matter how long it has been there.

It was very hard for me for lots of reasons.  My sister in-law had a baby a couple of weeks after my miscarriage.  My best friend was having a baby a few months before I was supposed to have this one.  My husband and I started trying to conceive as soon as we could.  Every month that went by was another heartbreak.  After about six months of trying my doctor sent me to a specialist.  He did this because of my history of having very irregular periods.  I would sometimes go six months without a period and then sometimes I would have one that lasted 2 weeks go a week and then get another.  They were all over the place.

I went to the specialist and he knew what was wrong before doing any test.  He did do some tests to confirm that I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome.  He said many people who have this are overweight but I was considered the skinny person with it.  This didn’t make me feel any better.  He did say he did not see any reason why I should not be able to get pregnant again and carry a baby to term.  Everything else looked fine.  I was scared and relived all in one.  I do have to say if you live in Michigan go to IVF of Michigan and see Dr. Ayers.  He was not only a great doctor, he was very nice and one of the best doctors I have every met.

We tried a pill called clomid.  This pill Clomid is used to stimulate ovulation.  It affects the way that the your hormones work to help you ovulate.  The first time I was excited.  I was sure it would work.  I remember having to take my temperature everyday before I got out of bed to help determine when I was ovulating.  I remember having to have ultrasounds done to see how the eggs and uterus lining was doing.  The had to make sure that I was not having a problem with ovarian hyper-stimulation.  When it did not work, there was more heartbreak.  We tried it again and again.  I would produce eggs but each time my uterus lining was not getting thick enough.

I was so sure that being a mom was what I was suppose to be and now I was so confused. 

Why was this happening to me?  

What was I suppose to do?

I had a feeling that this was not going to work.

We would have to do something different or give up.

The doctor said that we could try again but he believed that we needed to move on to the next step.  This was scary to hear but confirmed my thoughts.

The next step was IVF.

This was a last resort.

It would be expensive.

Because it was expensive I knew it was not something we could try over and over again.

I was tired of getting the same bad news.

I was tired of dreaming of a baby and not getting pregnant.

I was tired of seeing all my family and friends getting pregnant by accident.

I wanted to be a mom.

I not only wanted to be a mom I wanted to grow that baby inside me.  I do believe that adoption is a great thing and I would actually love to adopt some day but I still wanted to have a baby of my own.

We could not afford to do IVF. 

This was a very difficult time.  I prayed.

As difficult as this all was in some ways we are some of the luckiest people.  With the help of a few family members who could afford to help we had enough money to go through the IVF process once. Now I was praying that we could be lucky and it would work the 1st time.

Miscarriages are painful and heartbreaking.  Not being able to get pregnant after a miscarriage adds to the pain and heartbreak.  If you are going through this I am truly sorry.  I want you to know you are not alone.

My IVF story.

photo credit:

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Melissa Doroques via photopin cc

Pieces: Shandi-lee via photopin cc

Alone: Giuseppe Milo via photopin cc